“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
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Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
😜
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?