Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep