Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.