[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
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I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.