Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
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If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Important reminders
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Just had my nails done!
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
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Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.