“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
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If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Basketball
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
drew a comic about my origin story
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.