I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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how much for the angry fruit?
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out