Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Just a bush.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”