Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”