Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
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[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
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