we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
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You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
We’ve all been there
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
jesus, what did this guy do
awkward
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.