couldn’t resist
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“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
All food is good if you spell it wrong
channeling her this year
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.