Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
girls literally only want one thing..
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply