People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
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My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.