For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
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You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.