‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
You Might Also Like
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked