Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I think this cat is broken
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
How do you like your Corgi?