I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
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That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.