when u come home smelling like another dog
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
This anagram machine is out of order.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Body by Oreos
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.