*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
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NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
A great tip. #CakeRex
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*