“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
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Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
If you know, you know
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up