The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
men, we mow at sunrise.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.