When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.