I only treason on days ending in y
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
same vibe as tangled headphones
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.