If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
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Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone