Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
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Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.