Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
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I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.