EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
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Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I love snow
– People who never shovel
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough