My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
You can’t outrun your problems…
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.