Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
I’d hang this in my house.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Looking at you, Jesus.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy