Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO