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1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
*serious situation*
My brain:
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
english majors be like furthermore
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza