I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
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Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.