Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
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Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.