Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
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Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.