Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
ouch
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
going to the ER y’all need anything
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant