Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: ๐
Me: ๐ถ
Friend: ๐
Me: ๐
Me: ๐๐ญ
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
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I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and Iโm still finding crumbs today.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you canโt do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
โWho took my good screwdriver?โ
-Every dad ever
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
When people start a sentence with โbelieve it or notโ Iโm like wow, those are two very good options
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Her: How does she always know weโre taking her to the vet?
Him: I donโt know. Keep looking.
Lied on my rรฉsumรฉ and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing itโs tail inside a jar of pickles.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Iโm tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.