Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
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Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich