Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
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Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My birthstone is kidney
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house