Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
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My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
can’t bark with your mouth full
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Breaking news:
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
i now pronounce you bounced.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣