lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
You Might Also Like
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right