Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
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[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.