Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
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McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?