[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
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Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…