Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
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Dilated Pupils
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* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
it’s the silliest best thing
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
i hate when adults say ātummy.ā im a grown up. itās my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as āa remarkable achievementā.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…Iāve got bad news for you.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about thatā¦
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
the fbi, studying my kidnapperās proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: āweāre out of mustardā
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
me, sober: ugh, iām never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*