my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
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Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.