You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
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I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
selfie game
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.