The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
They say women only use 10% of their anger
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.