Pot warmers of the day.
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Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.