me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
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After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
This forever.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.